[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Science memes
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
concern