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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
me hitting on a model
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
my favorite genre of twitter
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still