*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
bought wrong eggs
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Blew my mind.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.