I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?