Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
#Caturday
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m just playing devils avocado here