Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end