Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.


If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now


If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.


my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015


He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down


*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”


When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.


Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end