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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Hot Hot Hot
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community