Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]