Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
![]()
You Might Also Like
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster