Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m sure it’s fine.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
new shirt idea
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat