kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.