I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You Might Also Like
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It do be feeling this way.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name