“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time