Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”