I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like Iām making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I forgot the term ākidney stonesā so I called them pee pebbles.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
my friendās kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
selfie game
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
i bet when fish see itās raining theyāre like āoh cool a refillā
Imagine being at your therapistās office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
āIām sorry Iām late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all nightā
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! š
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
the guy who came up with the name āeggnogā should get to name more things
sweet burn for a programmer would be āhey your user interface looks more like a loser interfaceā
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Just saw a Facebook status that said āironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobsā and I laughed out loud… Canāt tell if itās funny or if Iām just overtired
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into āhermit modeā and Iām like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Iād buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.