I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The French word for sex is croissant.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.