(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.