Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
pat pat
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre