Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
How it started How it’s going
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.