My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.