ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.