My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Ha.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Meat Cute
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.