I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
You Might Also Like
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.