Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me :
All Day At Night
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.