My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
this is so top tier i cant
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.