My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Perfect
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes