My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
You Might Also Like
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario