You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day