Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.