Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You Might Also Like
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.