@NikiWithIssues

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

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@tonyagalbraith

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@simoncholland

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@Reverend_Scott

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

@zachary_lampley

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal