I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.