I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9