Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.