*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.