Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.