got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”