Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
A short story about romance.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My birth announcement for our third baby
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Sign at work today
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“no gods no masters” = leo
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”