DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
new record!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I have many caverns
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut