She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES