Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.