God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.