I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?