Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Yup.