6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
So the ex texted me
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Cndnsd Mlk
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.