I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
seems fine
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”