Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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Straight people are cancelled
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Feel. He’s so soft.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.