Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Sharon I have some bad news
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school