FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy