If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Breaking news:
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
how long have you had this for?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.