Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁