Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden