Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.