My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You Might Also Like
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?