Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Smooooooth
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap